Dreaming

I spend most of my days very quietly seated at my desk, pattering away at the keys in front of me. This can be for work, blogging, talking to my friends who are all out of arm’s reach right now, or just writing down thoughts throughout the day as they come. I used to be better about keeping a notebook…

In being quiet so long, I like to think there are skills that have developed from the silence. In learning to be quiet, I have gained an ability to really tune in to what someone else is saying. In today’s world, digitally speaking anyway, I think that people are more desperate to be heard than ever before. I’m learning now, though, that not everyone needs to be heard. There are people to whom I will always be a listening ear, but I’m becoming more and more subjective with the things that I spend my time and energy on.

I would much rather put my head back in the clouds where it belongs. I realize now that no matter how hard I wish for something to happen doesn’t make it happen. For a stubborn girl like me, not being able to fix the problems of the people I love around me is both infuriating and exhausting. Yet in all of this, I never stop trying. I am still trying to decipher if this makes me strong or stupid. Strength is elusive and I rarely feel it, so I am beginning to fear the latter.

In all honesty, reclusiveness is something I can’t seem to shake lately. Becoming more and more of a homebody at my age can sometimes be seen as a scary thing, as my social life should be “bursting”, or so I’m told. But I can’t help myself, the sanctuary that is home is the only place that I can entirely fall down into every nook and cranny that I wish didn’t exist in my heart; but if I can’t delve deep enough to figure them out then who will?

With everything my fingers stay crossed on, I hope to be back to a more bubbly version of myself soon. 

Until then, I’m content in my silence. It gives me time to daydream, to plan, to prepare.

Sometimes I worry that my posts won’t make any sense, because they cover vague subjects most of the time. But I am truly hoping that at least one reader out there feels like they have someone out there going through the same things that they are. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve been able to deliver a truly “happy” post to you, but I would rather be authentically vague and sad than give you a facade of happiness. Life isn’t happy all of the time, no matter how we “bloggers” try to make it appear so. Remember, it could all be a dream.