Life tends to happen in phases, I think. Sometimes a culmination of phases beginning or ending can make us feel a little more than off-kilter. A chaotic, sad, messy phase of my life came to an end recently and I am still not sure that I've processed it in the depth it deserves. On what I assumed would be my last day at my job, I wrote. I wrote about what I was feeling, what stuck out the most to me, and most of all how the past few years had helped me learn and forced me to grow in ways I wouldn't have otherwise. This is what I had to say...
It feels a long time that I've been asleep, in the hibernating "vacated my life" sense. I'm sitting here for one of the last times, gripping my cup of steaming green tea in ways that confuse and sadden me. The sun is coming up slowly. The cold, grey facade of the day is coming to light in one of the more lackluster sunrises I've seen as of late, and yet it leaves me spellbound with its monochromatic simplicity. I'm alright with this, it allows me an unnecessary respite and I tell myself this sunrise matches my mood. The mood of feeling oddly calm in the midst of losing almost all control of one's life trajectory. You run along this path you've mentally paved, stone by stone for yourself. Only to suddenly be caught in a gust so strong and so cold that it freezes you before it knocks you entirely off course. It is indeed another frigidly windy day. This winter has been cold and while not nearly as snowy as winters past, it has chilled me to the bone in so many ways.
Though I've often held close to me my love of photography and writing, I've not shied away from sharing my love here. I have, however, tried to keep more vulnerable thoughts and tendencies to myself. But maybe, just for today, some vulnerability is worth sharing. It has taken a while to get my messy mind to form semblances of sentences on this subject, so forgive me if this is a little (a lot) all over the place. I've allowed myself a "stream of conscious" type of thing here, and if you'd like to go back and head to a happier post, I understand.
We all have things in our lives we wish we could change, wish would change faster or wish wouldn't change at all. Blogs are often one of the catalysts we use to escape the things we would rather not be dealing with, but this will be about my story of being forced to wake up when I hadn't even noticed the dream of stability I'd been lulled into.
I look around at people I once considered friends, who now look like strangers I've never spoken to. People will disappoint you most of the time. I hear them talking about the handful of us losing our jobs today, and how excited they are to go to lunch to celebrate, but I am so disconnected at this point that I don't even know if I blinked, let alone gave any form of acknowledgment. It's definitely one of those out-of-body experiences, and I'm not sure I like it.
Life can't always be gentle. Do not let that alter who you are at your core. Live in every sphere of your life boldly, shine light into its dark corners and let the rough breeze of life blow the fog and cobwebs away for you. Flow with life's current as best you can. I spent the last few years fighting the current every day and it left me older, more exhausted and honestly, a bit jaded. When I finally exited the revolving door of that job, the breeze came flying in.
The last time I drove away from that building, I felt an immense weight start to ease off of me. Even though the pain of everything that was happening was still too fresh to comprehend, I felt a sense of peace.
No, this was not my plan. One day I had hoped to tell you all "I'm living my dreams, so I was able to finally quit my job!", it didn't happen that way. But that doesn't mean this isn't still a blessing. After all, I got my wish, it just didn't happen the way I had expected, or rather hoped it would.
For the first few days, I wondered if I was a failure. It was a rough transition period full of uncomfortable questions. Did I do something wrong, what could I have done better? In the end, the answer doesn't come from what I could or couldn't have done, as I didn't want to be there anyway and I'm happier where I am. I'm still dealing with it, some days are easier than others. But there is a thought I keep going back to.
Life has a way of making decisions for you, if you stand indecisive too long. Here I stand, forced off of a path I was admittedly not happy on, and I am pursuing my dream as hard as I can while I've been given this time. It may not always feel like it's for the best, but sometimes it comes pretty darn close.
It’s rarely a straight path to reach our dreams, but I have faith that you will find your way there.
You’re right, I’m still a bit wobbly but it feels good to be getting the creative energy back. Thank you so much for always being there!